I, like many other Americans, am part of a growing population known as the “Sandwich Generation”. A 2006 report said that there was an estimated 16 million of us. What is the Sandwich Generation? People, like me, who have younger children in the home, and elderly parent in need of part or full time care.
My parents are 73 and 70. They should be enjoying their retirement, however, they are not. My dad is in poor health, and rarely leaves the house. My mom is slowly going blind and can no longer drive. So, I, on my days off, take my mom shopping and to appt. I also have three kids, 13, 11 & 7, who also need my care and attention. I also have a husband who, unfortunately, is many times neglected. I am tired and worn, and feel like my life has taken a path that I didn’t see coming so soon.
When my grandparents needed to be cared for, my parents took them into their home. This subject has come up on many occasions and I cringe honestly, and feel guilty about that. I would be more willing to do so if my kids were grown and out of the house, but I just can’t do that to my kids at this point.
So, I continue to live my life, trying to be all things to everyone, but feel like, in the words of Bilbo, like butter spread over to much bread. I love my parent and want to honor them, but also need to do what is right for my family. I look in the mirror and wonder when I became the grown-up. I still feel to young to have to be making such adult decisions. I look at my kids and think to myself, “where are your parents, I can’t possibly be old enough to have kids your age”. I look at my parents and wonder when they got so OLD!
So, if any of you wise readers have any advice, or feel the urge to pray for our family, I would be honored for both advice and your prayers.
I’m not giving advice, and recognize everyone’s situation is different. We’re in the process of remodelling my in-laws house so that we will have a shared home with them (in their late 70’s), and us with two kids (4 & 5 right now). My father-in-law is pretty limited in terms of getting around, so far mom-in-law is holding up well, but who knows how long that will last. So the sandwich isn’t squeezing me too much just yet (except for living with construction chaos, which may well drive me over the edge!). Part of what helped us move in this direction was recognizing what those “bread” generations had to offer each other. The kids bring a lot of energy and interest to the grandparents, and having had kids in our 40s we recognize the value of every moment they have with their grandparents.
One thing I’m learning in the process is how vital it is to take some time, consistently for me. The only answer to being butter spread too thin is to find something that will refresh and recharge you, where you let someone else pick up the slack of all those responsibilities. OK, that was advice. Take it or leave it :>
Thanks Maria, I did forget to say that the grandparents live next door, so that is helpful, and that it was for financial reasons as well as caring for them that the subject has been brought up. I take whatever advice I can get, so thank you for sharing.
Lori,
If it doesn’t work out that give the “same” care for your parents the way they did theirs, what does that say of you? What messages are you playing in your head about your worth, ability etc?
I would encourage you to list down the thoughts that are banging around in your head when you process this. When you are done, step back from the emotion of the statements and look for the truth in them. What do you find?
Well, I say that you need more butter for your bread, girl! :^)
We all do the best we can in our circumstances. I pray that the Holy Spirit will come and spread power out to the very edges of your bread — both slices — and give you grace to take it one bite at a time.
Breathing Shalom into your sails….
Chad- as you well know, I am anything but emotional;-) Thank you for your words. I am trying to look at things without the guilt.
Peggy- you made me tear up girl. Thank you for your kind words.
Lori … I am fortunate that I’m not in your shoes … yet. My parents (at 68 and 76) are hale and hearty, so are my husband’s. We also both have siblings that live closer to our parents than we do … but we are contemplating moving. So.
I’m anticipating what’s going to happen with me as I write these words, because my mother took her mother-in-law into her home and cared for her intimately for a long time before my grandmother entered a nursing home. I think Grammy lived with my parents for almost 10 years … during which time my mother taught school and helped my father run a home-based business. My grandmother was incontinent, had type-2 diabetes and was senile.
My mother set an impossible standard for me to meet. There’s just no way. My brothers and I were gone from the home at that point. I think I had just married when Grammy moved in. The thing I keep reminding myself when I consider what lies ahead is that I am not living my mother’s life. I do not need to make her choices. I need to choose what is best for me and for my family. I need to honor God in that and I need to love and honor my parents. But I don’t need to mimic what my Mom did just because that’s what she did. That’s a hard thing to remember sometimes, because we women have a tape in our heads that tells us to do things the way our moms did them from the time we were very little. We copy our moms. We copy the way the sweep the floor and wash the dishes and do the laundry and chasten the children. She was/is a good mom so it stands to reason that if I copy her, I will be a good mom … right?
So my dear, step back and breath. Don’t be quite so hard on yourself. Perhaps there are some elder services in town that your mom and dad could take advantage of … a bus service that would get them in contact with others of their generation perhaps?
Love and prayers to you … and your family.
Sonja- Thank you. I know I am not my mother, and that cirumstances are different for me. My mom recently made the comment that she just wanted me to love her as much as she loved her mom. Hello guilt!!!!!! I do have lots of support around me and that helps. And she joined a church close by so that takes some of the burden off me. I guess I’m just not ready to have to be thinking about these things yet.
[...] … so she can think about fun dates with her hubs and [...]
Lori- my prayers go up for you too! Like sonja, i’m in the place of wondering what’s coming down the road- quickly. My folks, 250 miles away, are 78 and 79, Mom recently had 4 stents put in and dad is going to need back surgery soon. My sister lives near them, but she is divorced working long hours and has a daughter still at home… the guilt and worry factors go into full tilt when i’m not careful.
So- yes- I’m praying for you. Let us know how things are going from time to time. that’s what we’re here for!
thank you Cindy;-)